The storms are rolling in...

This happens enough that I should be prepared for these times.  My world is falling in around me.  I'm not exactly sure when it started, but it's crumbling at a fast rate.  I feel lost and in danger.  I feel exposed.  My heart is breaking or maybe it's been broken and I hadn't noticed.  Like a cut that has gone unnoticed until alcohol was poured over it...I think that's what has happened.  My thoughts swirl endlessly; my head pounds.  I anxiously wait to hear, but is anyone out there?  Is he there?

It's not dark today...

It's been six months since my last post...I am not sure if that is good or not.  We have been busy with Kenny starting his business.  I have been working, going to school and keeping the business' books.  I won't even discuss the state of my house...lol

I passed my summer class.  Classes start next week, and I am taking 4 classes.  Yes, a full load.  I hope to be able to quit my job or go part-time.  I go back and forth with severing ties with a company that has held me as an employee for so long.  Lillian starts school next week, too. 

While life is hectic, I have settled into a routine of doing nothing.  I am SO overwhelmed that I can't do anything.  I HATE it, but I have acknowledged that I do it and I am trying...There are things that divert my attention...I love my life though and I look forward to the future.

Turmoil

I am in emotional turmoil.  I feel lost and crazy.  I am going through something and he doesn't want to be supportive.  I know that I don't talk about my feelings much, but I need you to walk next to me.  You cannot expect me to talk about issues that I know you don't want to discuss.  You cannot control me.  I want to have your baby, but I am not willing to jeopardize my sanity and character.  I don't know what's going on inside; but I know that you are my husband, and you are supposed to be here for me.

It's Hard

It's hard to love or care about someone in secret.  It's hard to think about them and desire to be with them and not be able to.  It's hard when they entertain your thoughts on a regular basis.  It's hard to not know if the feelings are reciprocated...I miss you.  I miss your body next to mine.

I found a song!!!

Maybe this helps you out...

It

Today is Sunday; and in my opinion, it is EARLY.  Brownie, our wonderful dog, woke me up because she was licking herself...lol  I have laundry to do anyway, but I haven't made a move on it. 

I miss it (not the laundry).  I realize as I think about it that it is no different than the opposite - than what I have now.  You have the fights and the outcasts and all the other things.  I don't want it though.  I guess I just miss the person I shared it with.  It has been way too long, and I miss her very much.  She would have been 31 on the 6th.  I miss that I can't call her on the phone and vent about my husband.  I hate that I can't give her a hug OR that she can't give me one when I really need one.  She was always so good at making me feel better.  My husband has been distant for some reason or another...or maybe it is me...I have been carrying more than my load in this time, and I just do what I have to do.  It's frustrating, but I know that I don't want to regret anything.  I want to live, breath and be happy.  I won't waste my life because she would not be happy with me, and I would not be happy with myself!