Suicide

While suicide is the most selfish act a person can perform, I believe that some people cannot make it through that moment of insanity - the pain that is SO overwhelming, the emotion that is SO strong, the noise that is SO loud. I just want it to stop! Somehow, I manage to make it through that moment and move forward. The struggle to stay alive is hard, but I make it through. I insist that I will make it through for my family and for my testimony of the great things that the Lord has done in my life. I have been through hell, almost literally. I have seen things that people never should see. I have experienced things that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but here I am. I am a living, breathing testimony of the grace and mercy of God.

Traitor

After her death, I really struggled with my feelings of being a traitor. People looked at me differently than when she and I were together. I struggled with what was right and wrong in my life according to the values I was raised with. I loved her, yes and always. I was attracted to certain women, but that was not the life that I wanted to have. I found a really great guy who loved me even with all of my mess. He helped me work through my grief. He let me lead my life halfway living in the past. He was my rock and kept me centered while I grew. I moved on over time, but I can sometimes still feel "traitor" burned into my chest like a scarlet letter.

Desperation

In a moment of desperation and weakness, I gave up. I said I don't care. Screw it! And I was gone.

I have given up on this dream. I am frustrated and overwhelmed. How can I go on when things seem SO bad?!?! Nothing is going right...It's over...I quit.

I have said these things many times; and for a period of time, I have wandered aimlessly with no perspective, focus or goals.

Trigger

Oftentimes, when people think of a trigger, the picture that enters their mind is a gun. A trigger can also be something that causes a memory to arise. The trigger can be a smell, a song or just about anything. The memory can be a pleasant one or a very painful one.

I have found that many things trigger my memories of past loves and moments in time. Living in the same city has made the triggers much more abundant. I have had to find ways to move out of the memory and focus on what is going on in the present. It is hard at times to do so; but with quite a bit of practice, the transitioning has been easier.

Collateral Damage

According to Meriam Webster, collateral damage is the injury inflicted on something (or someone) other than an intended target. The word is specifically used to refer to military casualties. Are the people left behind when a person commits suicide collateral damage? Injury is inflicted on us. I do not believe that the person who committed suicide intended to inflict the hurt, guilt, anger, despair, etc. on the people that (s)he left behind. So, by definition, we are collateral damage.

I do not know where this came from or why it came to me, but I feel for everyone, like myself, who is collateral damage. I hope that we can work through our feelings and move forward in a direction that commemorates our loved ones that left us behind.

Infertility

I figured that I would have time constraints with conceiving another child because of the ages that my mother and her mother started menopause. My mom was 30, and my grandma was 29. Here I am at 27 and perimenopausal. I'm upset that I am having such a hard time conceiving. I am frustrated that my doctor will not do anything other than IVF. I hate my body and I'm having such a hard time accepting the diagnosis of premature ovarian failure. I hate that I can't talk about it with my husband because he doesn't understand. He has faith that we will conceive when the time is right. We conceived our daughter in about a year of unmonitored trying. Here we are over a year later with nothing. My cycles are longer or extremely short. I'm not ovulating regularly.

Today is a bad day. I'm scared that I would conceive this cycle and have a due date of July 5. I do not think that I could handle that. My life is still connected to hers! My husband doesn't really realize it, but I know that it would frustrate him.

I loved her.

We do not decide who we are going to love, do we? I loved her. For 2 years, I loved her and before that, she was my best friend. Fourteen years ago, we met the night that someone got run over by a tractor at a church youth event. I was drawn to her; and from that night on, we were inseparable. Twelve years ago, our youth pastor "helped" us, which made both of our lives hell. She was forced out of the church, and I had a band of adults that followed my every move. This tearing put me in a deep depression. Honestly, I think it affected both of us. I always thought that she was the stronger one...Ten years ago, she took her own life while I was out. I came home to find her, and my world crashed around me. The event is forever burned in my mind. While some of the memories have faded, many are in the forefront of my mind. Her memory haunts me as if I did something wrong. She calls to me in my dreams sometimes as if to say that she is still here with me. I wish that she would have had the courage and the will to work passed the issues. I wish that she were here to share in my life. I miss her now more as my best friend than as my lover. While I do not speak of her now, she has never been forgotten.