ME

I am naturally thoughtful, but sometimes I like to go out of my way.  I like to know different things about people in general.  People intrigue me, especially their thoughts and their pasts.  I may find awkward times to ask about things, but I am just curious.  I'm not being psycho if I ask about your plans for the weekend.  I won't show up where you are, I promise.  If I want to be near you, I will do my best to find ways to legitimately be in your company.  I like to be silly sometimes, even though I seem professional all the time.  I like a good smell...I love to smile and laugh. 

I have a very vivid imagination.  It never really left me as a child.  I play scenes in my head of past events like videos.  Sometimes, the videos are great, and sometimes they suck.  I enjoy the recent ones...I overthink actions and second-guess things, even if my intentions were pure.  I kick myself for second-guessing myself, which sends me into this cycle of mess.  I really am a good person, and I try really hard to be everything I want to be.

I am a big daydreamer.  I think about activities to do, what I want for the future and where I want to be in 5 years, 10 years, etc.  I am a planner!  I have a very Type-A personality...I love who I am and I like what my body looks like most of the time.  I desire attention and praise.  All I ask, is that you talk to me regardless of anything else.

Her

My need to see her stems from my curiosity to see how she kisses.  I want to feel her lips against mine.  I want to see how she holds her body, and if she would touch mine, where and how.  My imagination runs away, and I envision us making out in the women's restroom.  At some point, we would go somewhere more private...  Sometimes our clothes come off, and sometimes we're just making out.  I always end up saying that I can't do this and then leaving...That irritates me though because in real life, I don't think I would want to leave.

Being behind her and wanting to kiss the side of her neck.  The desire made me crazy, but somehow I managed to resist.  Today, I regret that decision...

She Says

So there is this girl...she makes me want her. She is not feminine in any way. She makes my heart beat and my palms sweat. We used to have this dance that we did as we worked together. We would talk about life and personal things...I would watch her, and I think she would watch me. "It's girls like you that get me in trouble..."

Our first introduction was quite unusual as I literally almost ran into her. We stood there face to face, and I quickly moved past her. I never saw her again until our second meeting several months later - at my job!  I would go see her at her second job...she was excellent! Now, I don't see her except in my dreams...I've seen her twice in a short period of time...My heart beats and my palms sweat...

The Anniversary

Today marks 11 years since she died. I overslept to go to church, which I am okay with for the most part. I laid around with my husband and finally got up about 11 am to get ready for lunch with my friend that I haven't seen in a decade. I was apprehensive and nervous about meeting him since it had so long and it had been under difficult circumstances. After meeting up, it was really special to be with him. We talked about the past, the present and the future. It was nice to be able to include her in our conversation without me fearing the repercussions of her name. After eating, we went to the cemetary to pay our respects. It was one of the better anniversaries that I have been through. Thanks, Jay!

Unmedicated

I have been unmedicated for a couple of weeks...For whatever reason, I cannot find my scripts to get the meds that I am supposed to be taking. Yes, I could just place the refill and let the pharmacy call the doctor's office, but that is not really what a good patient does. I guess a good patient wouldn't misplace her scripts, either.

I am going through something...I think I am in some sort of mourning. I'm not sure for what, but I hope to figure it out soon. I have this real attraction to black; I guess I always have, but it is getting stronger right now. Kenny hates that I painted my fingernails black. He asked if I was going goth? WTH?!?!? I am staying up late and sleeping in...I am sad and crying.

I did manage to start painting Lillian's room last weekend, and I put the curtains up today. I have to say that putting up curtains are HARD - leveling the pole, using a drill to get the holes established and then having to manually screw the screw in AFTER hammering the plastic thing in the hole to hold the screw...Ugh! I still have to spraypaint her bed to give it a facelift. I know that her room will be beautiful once it is finished.

I'm not sure that I want to have another baby...I don't know that I like the idea of starting over. Kenny and I are having some difficulties - none that are major, just bumps in the road. He found my birth (natal) chart that I was working on last night. He wasn't very happy about it...He may have also found my scribble about Su...which is probably what happened because he was NOT very happy when he called me.

I am discarding stuff that I don't need and stuff that I don't use. Since we moved in, it has been in the third bedroom. Slowly, it is being cleaned. Kenny has been quite impatient about getting it cleaned up...I have told him that it takes a year for a family to move in to a house, but he doesn't seem to understand.

I am suicidal...If you have read any of my posts before this one, you will know that I would NEVER do anything to harm myself. I am overwhelmed with everything going on and I just feel like I need to get away for a little while...and not necessarily into a mental facility. I have taken this week in hopes to clear my head and heart and to purge the things in my house that are unnecessary. I am making slow progress...I guess it IS true - you cannot eat an elephant in one big bite!

Facebook

So, I am finding people that I would like to know about, but that I am still not ready to talk to. Sure, I can be kind. My mom can give them information about me (because she talks to them), but I am NOT over it! I have not moved passed what happened. I cannot help but think of her when I see his/her face. I blame them for her down-fall. I do not blame them for her death because they were not there when she died. I blame them for not knowing enough to guide us through, for saying that we were going to hell. I blame them for turning their backs on her and treating me like a leper. Or really, treating me like I was better than her; when really, I was no different than her. I did not need body guards. I did not need boards on my windows! I did not need to be pulled out of my school! We just needed to let our relationship run its course.