Showering

My husband and I were talking earlier about showering...together. He said that showering together is an intimate act. This brief statement got me thinking about my past. How many people have I showered with?!?! I was surprised at the answer. See, I had previously categorized the people I dated in the past: "obsessives" and "non-obsessives." I thought that the people that I weren't obsessed over were better mates, more compatible...However, this simple statement about showering really messed up my thought process. I have showered with more of my "obsessives." How could this be? If showering together is an intimate act, which I believe it is, how could I do it with people that I was infatuated with.

Battle

I battled with what to do today about the man who makes me have butterflies and makes me feel like a 13 year old girl. I went to talk to him and there was an interruption. I guess I got my answer...

Mixing

I feel the need to divulge this piece of information. I know someone that makes my heart do funny things and my stomach do twists and turns all over the place. It is someone I knew a long time ago; but like most people, I lost contact until recently. It's hard to focus and it's hard to breath. We are both married, I believe we both love our spouses, and for these reasons, I do not breath a word of my feelings. I have wanted to say something, but what good could come of this knowledge?! NOTHING. And here I sit for awhile longer to get my body to quit acting like a 13 year old girl......

Living LIFE!

I am living life! I have moved past this feeling of deep loss. Sure, I miss her, but I cannot live my life walking backwards and wishing for things to be undone. I have missed so much while I have been sitting on the sidelines. School started August 22, and I am doing this! This is my last semester of prereqs before I can apply to the nursing program. I WILL make good grades because I am studying. I want this. I don't want to quit. My beautiful and amazing daughter is 9 years old. I am so proud of her. My husband is working his butt off, so I can go to school. He loves what he is doing, and he is always looking for new business or people to network with. Life is good! <3

Meaning

Does my life mean less because I do not have great photographs or lots of friends on Facebook?  Am I less important because I have only 1 child instead of 3?  How do I move past this feeling of inadequacy when all I feel is the pain of loss?  I have suffered so much pain in this short 29 years of life...

L-o-S-t

Here I lay as a person dying.  I'm not, but that is the way that I feel.  Everything I love and cherish is in the room.  I'm frustrated that things are the way they are.  I'm angry that I'm not pregnant, even though I should be.  I'm in distress that my life feels useless.  I'm overwhelmed that I don't feel motivated to do anything but read or sit on the computer.  This isn't what I thought my life would be like.  I want to DO something.  I want to make a difference.  What the hell is going on?!?!

The storms are rolling in...

This happens enough that I should be prepared for these times.  My world is falling in around me.  I'm not exactly sure when it started, but it's crumbling at a fast rate.  I feel lost and in danger.  I feel exposed.  My heart is breaking or maybe it's been broken and I hadn't noticed.  Like a cut that has gone unnoticed until alcohol was poured over it...I think that's what has happened.  My thoughts swirl endlessly; my head pounds.  I anxiously wait to hear, but is anyone out there?  Is he there?