I loved her.

We do not decide who we are going to love, do we? I loved her. For 2 years, I loved her and before that, she was my best friend. Fourteen years ago, we met the night that someone got run over by a tractor at a church youth event. I was drawn to her; and from that night on, we were inseparable. Twelve years ago, our youth pastor "helped" us, which made both of our lives hell. She was forced out of the church, and I had a band of adults that followed my every move. This tearing put me in a deep depression. Honestly, I think it affected both of us. I always thought that she was the stronger one...Ten years ago, she took her own life while I was out. I came home to find her, and my world crashed around me. The event is forever burned in my mind. While some of the memories have faded, many are in the forefront of my mind. Her memory haunts me as if I did something wrong. She calls to me in my dreams sometimes as if to say that she is still here with me. I wish that she would have had the courage and the will to work passed the issues. I wish that she were here to share in my life. I miss her now more as my best friend than as my lover. While I do not speak of her now, she has never been forgotten.