I figured that I would have time constraints with conceiving another child because of the ages that my mother and her mother started menopause. My mom was 30, and my grandma was 29. Here I am at 27 and perimenopausal. I'm upset that I am having such a hard time conceiving. I am frustrated that my doctor will not do anything other than IVF. I hate my body and I'm having such a hard time accepting the diagnosis of premature ovarian failure. I hate that I can't talk about it with my husband because he doesn't understand. He has faith that we will conceive when the time is right. We conceived our daughter in about a year of unmonitored trying. Here we are over a year later with nothing. My cycles are longer or extremely short. I'm not ovulating regularly.
Today is a bad day. I'm scared that I would conceive this cycle and have a due date of July 5. I do not think that I could handle that. My life is still connected to hers! My husband doesn't really realize it, but I know that it would frustrate him.
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The 5th of July is a challenge for me every year. In the last ten years I have spent each July 5 doing something to deal with the loss. Her death changed my life, it's why I am in seminary. It is a part of who I am. I am forever shaped by it. I wish I could tell her so many things. I wish she knew that in reaching out to me, she led me to Christ, and that I am still a Christian today because of her friendship. But I can't do these things. So on July 5th every year I appreciate a beautiful sunset, or I drink too much, 3 times now I have gotten tattooed on that day, each year I have spent the whole day mourning. But I have spent a lot more than 10 days mourning her death over these 10 years. I wish I had done more for you, more for her. I remind myself that we were all just teenagers back then. But that doesn't make it any easier. I am glad you are back in my life. I have thought about you and prayed for you for so many years. I hate to think how you have survived each July 5th alone.
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