The Anniversary

Today marks 11 years since she died. I overslept to go to church, which I am okay with for the most part. I laid around with my husband and finally got up about 11 am to get ready for lunch with my friend that I haven't seen in a decade. I was apprehensive and nervous about meeting him since it had so long and it had been under difficult circumstances. After meeting up, it was really special to be with him. We talked about the past, the present and the future. It was nice to be able to include her in our conversation without me fearing the repercussions of her name. After eating, we went to the cemetary to pay our respects. It was one of the better anniversaries that I have been through. Thanks, Jay!

Unmedicated

I have been unmedicated for a couple of weeks...For whatever reason, I cannot find my scripts to get the meds that I am supposed to be taking. Yes, I could just place the refill and let the pharmacy call the doctor's office, but that is not really what a good patient does. I guess a good patient wouldn't misplace her scripts, either.

I am going through something...I think I am in some sort of mourning. I'm not sure for what, but I hope to figure it out soon. I have this real attraction to black; I guess I always have, but it is getting stronger right now. Kenny hates that I painted my fingernails black. He asked if I was going goth? WTH?!?!? I am staying up late and sleeping in...I am sad and crying.

I did manage to start painting Lillian's room last weekend, and I put the curtains up today. I have to say that putting up curtains are HARD - leveling the pole, using a drill to get the holes established and then having to manually screw the screw in AFTER hammering the plastic thing in the hole to hold the screw...Ugh! I still have to spraypaint her bed to give it a facelift. I know that her room will be beautiful once it is finished.

I'm not sure that I want to have another baby...I don't know that I like the idea of starting over. Kenny and I are having some difficulties - none that are major, just bumps in the road. He found my birth (natal) chart that I was working on last night. He wasn't very happy about it...He may have also found my scribble about Su...which is probably what happened because he was NOT very happy when he called me.

I am discarding stuff that I don't need and stuff that I don't use. Since we moved in, it has been in the third bedroom. Slowly, it is being cleaned. Kenny has been quite impatient about getting it cleaned up...I have told him that it takes a year for a family to move in to a house, but he doesn't seem to understand.

I am suicidal...If you have read any of my posts before this one, you will know that I would NEVER do anything to harm myself. I am overwhelmed with everything going on and I just feel like I need to get away for a little while...and not necessarily into a mental facility. I have taken this week in hopes to clear my head and heart and to purge the things in my house that are unnecessary. I am making slow progress...I guess it IS true - you cannot eat an elephant in one big bite!

Suicide

While suicide is the most selfish act a person can perform, I believe that some people cannot make it through that moment of insanity - the pain that is SO overwhelming, the emotion that is SO strong, the noise that is SO loud. I just want it to stop! Somehow, I manage to make it through that moment and move forward. The struggle to stay alive is hard, but I make it through. I insist that I will make it through for my family and for my testimony of the great things that the Lord has done in my life. I have been through hell, almost literally. I have seen things that people never should see. I have experienced things that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but here I am. I am a living, breathing testimony of the grace and mercy of God.

Desperation

In a moment of desperation and weakness, I gave up. I said I don't care. Screw it! And I was gone.

I have given up on this dream. I am frustrated and overwhelmed. How can I go on when things seem SO bad?!?! Nothing is going right...It's over...I quit.

I have said these things many times; and for a period of time, I have wandered aimlessly with no perspective, focus or goals.

Collateral Damage

According to Meriam Webster, collateral damage is the injury inflicted on something (or someone) other than an intended target. The word is specifically used to refer to military casualties. Are the people left behind when a person commits suicide collateral damage? Injury is inflicted on us. I do not believe that the person who committed suicide intended to inflict the hurt, guilt, anger, despair, etc. on the people that (s)he left behind. So, by definition, we are collateral damage.

I do not know where this came from or why it came to me, but I feel for everyone, like myself, who is collateral damage. I hope that we can work through our feelings and move forward in a direction that commemorates our loved ones that left us behind.